Some thoughts on loneliness.

Photo of me by Nadia Meli

It’s been a little while since I blogged anything personal. I used to write quite a lot and then the world opened back up and my work went crazy busy and I lost my sense of self. With that I found it impossible to write anything that wasn’t an email or a ‘I must show up’ Instagram post.

But recently I have been writing again and finding myself as I come out of the worst burnout of my life.

And some interesting conversations recently has inspired me to write about something that I barely see discussed anywhere because firstly no one wants to admit to it and secondly the world has changed and how people want to live their lives has changed but the system that wants us to follow a set life path is still alive and well. A constant narration in our heads highlighting the things we are lacking.

A couple of weeks ago I shared on my social media that my dating life was a catastrophe and that I wanted to find other women like me who wanted to make a home together. That I was lonely and struggling. The response was huge. I am definitely not alone in this.

Life as a single woman in your 30s is interesting to say the least. Especially one who doesn’t want children. You are in this grey area of society where no one really knows where to put you. Your family just want to be reassured that you are dating, friends have disappeared into marriage & babies and you find yourself feeling ostracised from society because you know truthfully that the path you were told you should take is not the one you want and the world has been set up for all of those who take that path.

So you have to go out and find new people. Ones who have the same views and values as you in life.

Except this is so much harder in this age group. People have faced more adversity, traumas and hurt so have become more closed off to building new connections. Also, adulting is busy! Everyone’s diaries are full with work, social events, errands and other life responsibilities. I have to schedule in time with my friends weeks in advance, gone are the days where you spontaneously met up regularly. I am not immune to any of the above and it’s something I am constantly working on because I am fast realising that connection with other humans is literally the only thing that ultimately matters.

And then dating! I feel like this has changed dramatically over the last few years with the rise of dating apps. It’s so much harder to meet people in real life. I am not sure why this is, maybe it’s because again the busy bustle of life combined with the everyone feeling more closed off. Also, I am past my days of going out partying and having my walls/insecurity smashed down with binge drinking, not that that was a healthy way to start a relationship. So most people have turned to dating apps which I am not denying have some happy endings but it’s so much admin, endless repetition and it feels like shopping. Meaning it becomes an act of consumption and dopamine chasing as opposed to seeking genuine connection.

Also as a woman it can be a very abusive space. Unsolicited dick pics, gaslighting, manipulation and thats all before you have even met anyone.

It’s exhausting. And it begs the question… is this what I really want? Or is all this work going to be worth it? Because with all the work I have done on myself, my own self awareness and the life I have built for myself, I am hardly going to let just anyone in. Maybe that’s the problem? The frustrating part is that I do believe that we all want connection, to be loved, to love, to have community and a shared home but somewhere along the way we all became terrified while trying to survive a world that praises us for being busy individualists constantly. Where instead of being motivated to make genuine connections our dopamine addictions are making us feel like a match on a dating app, a like on social media or a debate in comments is enough.

I think this is making us sick. Sick with loneliness that we are too ashamed to admit to because the social media highlight reel we are churning out signals to us that everyone is living their best and happiest lives while the reality is they are probably feeling the same loneliness and lack of the fulfilment we get from having deep connection with others.

Communication has gone out the window as we consume our relationships through Instagram stories and TikTok videos rather than rambling to each other on the phone, spending a Sunday together or meeting for regular coffees/walks/drinks.

We don’t reach out to each other in the same way anymore.

Our worlds have also become bigger with social media. Facebook communities, Instagram connections, there are so many more people in our lives and if you own a business or have any sort of a following, you can find yourself with many eyes on you. While this can be a really good thing (I met both of my closest friends through social media) it’s also isolating because I think we all can wind up playing the role of ourselves, the curated versions that we think make us more attractive. It’s also the worst place for navigating conflict, something as humans we aren’t overly great at anyway and tone gets lost in written comments often escalating arguments without people thinking about how what they say is harmful to others.

Loneliness also reaches far beyond my corner of the world or the groups I fall into. My posts on social media highlighted everyone from parents to people in relationships and male friends. The common ground though was that everyone felt isolated in their loneliness and didn’t know how to navigate it.

I can also speak from my own experience of having a deep shame around feeling needy. I struggle so much with asking for what I need, it’s so much easier for me to isolate myself and do everything on my own than reach out for help or include others in my life. I have a deeply avoidant attachment style which is taking a huge amount of time and money to undo.

We all have needs though and connection is one of the most important ones. Our health and wellbeing depends on it.

The other week I realised that I had gone nearly 3 weeks without seeing a single person who cared about me, yes I had seen clients, the nice people at the cafe I get my coffee from and the good morning exchanges with my fellow morning walkers. But other than my therapist I hadn’t had a quality conversation, eaten a meal with someone or shared a coffee for all of that time. So it was no wonder my stress levels had started to rise and my anxiety was creeping in.

Loneliness is a killer. Some research says that chronic loneliness is as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The reason is the constant low level stress that you feel. Human beings need each other for survival so when you don’t have community or you are deprived of connection then your stress levels rise and you can find yourself in a constant state of fight or flight where your body is poisoning you with a steady stream of cortisol which causes chronic inflammation and can lead on to chronic illness.

Then what it does to your mental health. Loneliness changes how you perceive the world. The deeper you get into it the more you will start to feel like people are rejecting you because for most of us we have that horrible little voice in our head that likes to tell us how bad we are, how unloveable and not enough. So if you are feeling lonely and struggling to make friends and build meaningful connections that nasty voice becomes validated.

Your anxiety rises, you isolate yourself further all without realising that so many other people are probably feeling the same things. We just don’t know how to navigate it.

I also want to touch on being neurodivergent. My entire life has been spent feeling like an outsider because of being Autistic. I was finally diagnosed last year and while it has explained much, I am still working out how I want to navigate my life as an Autistic person. I can find social situations incredibly challenging, often lose track of conversation, not get the joke, not be able to read social cues and then also become hyper focused on certain topics because I don’t know how else to contribute. Sometimes I can seem blunt or rude or too much for some people. Pushing me further into the fringes of my various communities. And because of the mask I have built to protect myself and function I can become even more isolated.

I know that this is the case for many of my fellow ND friends. Autistic people and people with ADHD suffer the worst with imposter syndrome and are extremely sensitive humans even though that might not be the most obvious thing about them because they have worked extremely hard to build masks in order to survive.

So how do we be less lonely?

As with all things I think it starts with working on ourselves. Which initially has the opposite effect. I have found the more self aware I have become and the more I have worked on myself the harder the world has felt because sooooo many people are not doing that work on themselves. BUT I have started to accept myself, almost love parts of myself and that is making me a more honest, confident and tolerant person. I don’t take on the responsibility for other people not liking me as much and I can generally come from the place of compassion and belief that everyone is doing the best that they can with what they have. Acceptance is just within reach so I will keep going despite how isolating it can feel because it is how I have also forged genuine connections.

With the above comes honesty. So many of us are not honest with ourselves or others. We hide our true feelings because of a fear of being rejected, shamed and also our inability to have conflict. We consistently lie to ourselves and others to keep things comfortable for everyone. This builds resentment and further isolation. I also feel like it enhances loneliness because you are abandoning yourself in the process.

I can’t tell you how many times I have abandoned myself in order to keep the peace.

The act of keeping the peace is just a form of suffering. A slow erosion of our relationships.

Being truthful is to be vulnerable which is why I think we find it so incredibly hard. Revealing that soft needy side of ourselves is no easy thing. It’s something I am slowly starting to engage with but I find it incredibly hard. I grew up in an environment where having needs was not ok.

My family used to use the saying: Those who ask don’t get. That you had to wait until you were offered. Even now I feel uncomfortable asking for what I want or need and always find myself in a state of awe and horror when I see people practising this mystical art.

Those three things, working on loving yourself , being more honest and willing to be vulnerable I feel are the foundation of combating loneliness. The hilarious thing though for us truly avoidant humans is we go away learn all the things and then still commit to doing it on our own. Which isn’t actually any of those things in practise.

I have realised that when I start to get the rising panic when things feel too intimate and I want to run in the opposite direction that that is an indication to stay and explore that feeling.

I also think we need to let go of the social constructs that have been forced upon us. I am now looking for examples of people who have built platonic homes together. Not house shares but an intentional home or family unit that isn’t a waiting room until a relationship comes along. Why can’t this be the goal? And even if you do meet someone why can’t you also continue to live with friends?

Friendships are always sold as second best to romantic relationships but two of mine have become the most healthy, stable and fulfilling relationships that I have ever had. Friendships are not given enough credit.

Making more time as well. I am a nightmare for not making time, work has always been my shield from the world. My badge of honour for how busy and successful I am. And then I wonder why I am lonely? If you don’t leave space in your life how can you ever expect to include other people, to foster genuine connection?

But then the culture of busy has a responsibility here. It’s a mark of success, we somehow think its attractive to be unavailable but we just find ourselves more and more disconnected from ourselves and others. Depression and anxiety is on the rise, surely this is not how we are meant to live our lives?

I don’t want to live my life this way.

I probably have more questions than solutions. But I feel like asking those questions, having more open conversations and being a bit more honest and vulnerable about how we are really feeling can only lead to a healthier and more connected life.

It’s funny I have spent nearly 3 weeks writing this blog post. I have kept dipping in and out of it because I really don’t have any answers and in my head whenever I put content out into the world I feel like it has to have a purpose, a set of solutions for whatever topic I am writing about or it doesn’t have any value.

Perhaps this is an act of vulnerability. Maybe no one will read this or get this far, I often have a tendency to ramble. If you have got this far though and you also feel those pangs of unexplainable loneliness and disconnection, please reach out. You aren’t alone.